I am sick to death of feeling fat.
When I lived in Korea, I went on a diet and lost 30 pounds. Then I stopped dieting and lost more. I developed an eating disorder. Being thin became my whole life. It controlled my decisions. I would refuse to go out with friends on weeknights because I was afraid of getting fat. When I did go out, I would be plagued by anxiety before and feelings of shame and guilt afterwards.
Since February 2014 I’ve been on a journey to get over this. And this journey has been terrible. It’s been the worst roller coaster I’ve ever ridden. The engineers that designed this ride should be fired.
Every month I get bigger. I’ve thought for so long that I was doing something wrong. All the health gurus and recovery blogs would have you believe that if you just relaxed about food, you could eat whatever you want and not gain weight. You would magically make the right decisions because you will somehow instantly cure your obsession with food.
Well I have not cured my obsession with food. If I eat whatever I want, I will gain weight. That is just how my body works.
As a result, I’ve been in a constant state of war. The whole time I’ve been here in Peru I’ve been obsessed with not getting fat. I’ve counted calories, and worked out obsessively, and berated myself for every treat and restaurant meal.
Want to know what has happened? I’ve gained weight and I’ve gone up a pant size. For the first time since probably my freshman year of college, I wear a size 6.
And I’m ashamed. I feel terrible. I hate putting on fitted clothes. I want to will myself back down to a 4. I would kill to be a 4. And yet when I was a 4? I hated myself. I would have killed to be a 2.
This cycle has got to stop.
I’m putting my foot down. I’m making a statement. I’m not going to care about my weight anymore. I eat relatively healthy and I live a healthy life. Now that I am a size six, I finally have regular periods again, for the first time since before I moved to Korea. I hike nearly every weekend. I go for runs 3 times a week. I ride my bike. Last week I trekked across the Andes Mountains with a huge pack on my bag. I’m clearly healthy.
But if I want to enjoy sweets, have coffee with sugar and milk, and eat a Peruvian meal at lunch time, I’m going to do it. If I want to eat white bread with butter and jam for breakfast, I’m going to eat it. I want to eat until I’m full and not feel guilty. I want to look at pictures of myself and not feel ashamed.
I’m sick of the hate. I’m sick of the negativity. But most importantly, I’m sick of wasting my time wanting to be thin.
Being thin is my most important goal. But I am going to change this.
I’m 26 years old leading the most incredible life I could ever have imagined for myself.
I have more important goals to accomplish.
I want to write a novel by the time I’m 30. I want to open my own NGO. I want to go back to school and get a Masters. I want to cross South America using only the power of my legs or arms with my boyfriend.
These are the goals that matter, not getting thin.
From this day forward I will not call myself “fat” out loud. I will not restrict the food that I eat. I will not suffer through hunger pains because I need to be smaller.
I do not need to be smaller. I need to be bigger. I need to be the biggest version of myself that I can be. I need to be great.
I would like that add that even as I write this I am still hoping that somehow something will click and I will magically shrink down to a size 2. Fixing this issue is not as easy as making a declaration, but it is a first step.
I will focus on the things in my life that are really important. And being thin isn’t one of them.